Santa’s New Contract

Santa’s New Contract

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the Southern United States on Christmas Eve.

Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves, Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan.

As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I’m certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to by my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls. However, there a few differences between our deliveries:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: “These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.”

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a Moon Pie or Twinkie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn’t smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit-can handy.

3. Bubba Claus’ sleigh is pulled by floppy-ear’d, flyin’ coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of reindeer one time, and Blitzen’s head now overlooks Bubba’s fireplace.

4. You won’t hear “On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen …” when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you’ll hear, “On Ernhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.”

5. “Ho, ho, ho!” has been replaced by “Yee Haw!” And you also are likely to hear Bubba’s elves respond, “I hear’d dat!”

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus’ sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words “Back Off,” The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as “Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you’ll see “Boss Hogg Saves Christmas” and “Smokey and the Bandit IV” featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn’t wear a belt. If I were you, I’d make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like, “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” and Bing Crosby’s “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,” This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chestnut’s “Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox” and “Grandma Got Run’d Over by a Reindeer.”

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus,
Member of North American Fairies and Elves
Local 209


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Krystal Shannan (@KrystalShannan)
    Nov 17, 2012 @ 09:53:20

    ROFL! Fabulous!


    • stephsbookretreat
      Nov 17, 2012 @ 10:22:57

      I found it and added the thing about the “Twinkies”. I couldn’t stop laughing. Thought it would be a fun Saturday morning post. Glad you liked it. 🙂


      • Chris Johnson
        Nov 28, 2012 @ 10:50:10

        Glad you liked it! I wrote it in 1998 for a newspaper in Columbus GA because I was desperate for something Christmassy and just whipped it out in a few minutes. I wasn’t a big fan of it myself, but folks must’ve taken to it because people have sent it to me every Christmas not knowing I wrote it. 🙂 It’s in my new collection here:

      • stephsbookretreat
        Nov 29, 2012 @ 11:21:46

        Thank you for letting me know who wrote it. I try to give credit whenever possible.

        It was posted on Facebook and got me laughing. My readers loved it as well.

  2. Jacques Goyette
    Nov 17, 2012 @ 16:21:11

    Definitely crazy and absolutely funny.;-)


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